my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
