I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
