puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize