I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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