I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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