i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
