you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My dick has a subreddit
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
