it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
