One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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