If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
