bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
