im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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