on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
