Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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