My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
