my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
