Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
