Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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