I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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