so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
