I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
