fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
