I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
