On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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