i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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