apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
