Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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