I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
