help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love having hate sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Found the puke drawer
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
