What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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