If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
