he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
