your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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