I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
