I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
