also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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