clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
