I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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