He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
