the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
