My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Oh god it's open bar.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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