Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
