I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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