I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
