I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
