My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I faked an abortion last night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
