You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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