when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
