Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
