Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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