my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
